frustrated

from time to time..i get frustrated...it happens, it is a part of life...but last night...i think i can honestly say i never have been as frustrated as i was in the moment when it all started....being frustrated, feeling helpless, not being able to talk to the 1 person you really want to, not being able to get a hug...from anyone, let alone the 1 person i reanny wanted a hug from...i am not going to name names, most of you will figure it out as you will most likely hear the story from me, others can just guess...it isnt all that important anyways.

for the sake of everyone's sanity that is going to read this ill change names so it makes sense...

lsat night me and anne got into a huge fight...i mean it was bad...i was driving down cleveland (in between portage adn 933) going about 45 and its dark and rainy. i was crying, yelling, listening to my ipod, and just trapped by the argument....marie chimed in and very fast it became 2 vs 1...which was not my intention of the conversation...i just wanted to nail some points down and try to open a line of communication that seems to have been closed for a long time...well yeah instead of doing that somehow i think it managed to get barricaded by HUGE rocks and such. it was bad...so anne later drags mary into this and then she starts to say some very hurtful things at me, things from my past, things i already had come to accept i had been wrong...and already worked on fixing....and finally mary says the 1 thing that just put me over the edge..."i think you are jealous of anne's good relationship" whoah....no...and mary knows this is not the case. i left...i walked very rapidly on the treadmill blasting songs on my ipod...(this is how i best relieve stress) but that didnt work...i was so frustrated...something i had tried to fix somehow broke into even more pieces. needless to say i was in bed at 8:30 listening to nate's and my favorite songs and staring at the ceiling. in her eyes i will never measure up...no matter what i try to do...im never good enough. (and i kept playing tings that happened in my head over and over again) and everything that happens, its my fault. sure i'll take part blame but its just as much annes fault as my own. i woke up feeling a little better...but still extremely frustrated and that is something that wont go away for awhile i figure...things seem to be under construction so hopefully they get better...